July 27th, 2010 | 
Author: A few years ago, I started self harming. I still have the scars on my arm. A friend helped me to get passed this. When I met my now-husband, he helped me too by supporting and just loving me. This was all I needed to help recover and stop doing it.
It’s been 4 years from the last time I did it. Recently, I have been going through a rough patch. I have PCOS so I am finding it difficult to conceive. My husband’s family is putting on a lot of pressure about other things too. They expect me to do things that make them happy but not me. I still do it for them and go out of my way to make everyone happy but at the moment, I don’t feel appreciated or loved. I still get ‘you are being difficult’ or ‘you haven’t done anything for me’ comments.
My husband is wonderful. But he can’t help me cos he doesn’t know how too. I try not to involve him in anything cos I don’t want to stress him. It’s his family so I don’t want to put him in a difficult situation.
I am so unhappy and just feel like crying all the time. But it’s not helping. Yesterday, I felt like cutting myself again. The urge was so overwhelming. I had the razor in my hand but then I stopped. I don’t know why.. But today I want to do it. Self harming makes me feel good, it’s a way I can vent my feelings out without hurting anyone else. But deep down, I know it’s wrong. I hate the scars that it left last time so don’t understand why I want to do it again. My husband knows deep down that I am not happy but he doesn’t know about the self harming bit. I have no one to talk too. My family won’t understand and my friend isn’t around anymore.
Please advise.. What can I do? I feel very lonely and depressed..
First of all, I think that you should start talking to someone-whether it be a psychiatrist, therapist, counselor, etc. These are major issues that you just simply cannot work out on your own while you have so many people around you who are putting you down-either consciously or subconsciously. You should definitely get things under control again before you conceive. So many stresses can negatively affect you and your baby and may increase your risk of complications or miscarriages.
Secondly, I think that you should start taking AT LEAST one day a month and have a "ME" day. Just go out and do things that you enjoy. It could be anything from walking/shopping at the mall, taking a walk in the park, to just staying at home pampering yourself. Paying a little more attention to yourself can help tremendously. You can’t please everyone all the time, so why not take some time out trying to please/pamper yourself?
Thirdly, you should stand up right now and give your self a hand. You deserve it for being able to stop self-injuring the first time. Many people, like myself, struggle with it no matter what we do and we are not so successful. If you quit the first time, you can quit this second time, and when the next urge comes, you can beat that too! Even though your husband doesn’t know exactly what to do to help you, he’s still part of your "personal support group." Having a support group really helps a lot of people because then you KNOW that you are NOT alone in your struggles. If you have no one else to confide in, or don’t feel comfortable enough to confide in others, try joining an online support group. These groups are there for you 24/7 and know exactly what you are going through. The other nice thing is, it’s anonymous if you want it to be and you don’t have to worry about judgment.
While you are deciding how to form your support group, try finding an alternative to self-harm. You can try anything from snapping a rubber band, to shoving your hand in a bag of ice, hugging a tree, drawing a red line with a marker where you want to harm yourself, etc. You have to find the right one that works for you. Personally, I put the self-harm off for 10 minutes, and if I still feel like going through with it after 10 minutes, I put it off for another 10 minutes, and so on and so forth until I no longer wish to cause myself harm.
As far as your scars go…they may seem ugly or unsettling to you now, but each one tells its own story. If you’re like me, you can’t remember what each scar is for, but the ones that occurred when you’ve felt the worst or the strongest emotions while self-harming are still fresh in your memory. One day, when you have learned more efficient ways of channeling your emotions, I hope that you are able to look at your scars and remember those times to learn from them…to never let yourself become that low again…Those scars are a part of you, just like mine are a part of me. I am now at a point in my life where I am no longer ashamed of my scars. I choose to show them and talk about them. I want others to know about self-harm so that there is no longer this hushed stigma about it. I hope that you reach this point in the future.
Please take my advice and talk to somebody…and please take some more time out of your schedule for yourself. You can’t please everyone and you shouldn’t try. It’s just so tiring and you can’t keep it up for long periods of time. I hope that you have found at least some of this information helpful.
Take gentle care…
Posted in self help
FIRSTLY… Dont even consider having a baby until you sort yourself out!!! That would be the worst possible thing to do!!!
Secondly – I think you should speak to your GP and get some counselling. I really think you need to speak to someone in confidence and try and get rid of those demons for good!!
Ask your husband to tell his family to back off!!
Good Luck!
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This is sad. I am only 14 but I am an offender of self harm.
How about instead of cutting you put an elastic band around your wrist.
Its numbs it instead, I do this in school.
Or if your feeling really bad have some dry rice and squeeze it in your hands or maybe an ice cube.
If your feeling really depressed your GP or family doctor will be there to prescribe some medication for you like anti depressants.
Maybe he will sit down with you and have a cup of tea.
And explain to your husbands family the stress it is and how hard you are trying. Maybe get your husband to explain about the self harm and about how they are making you feel.
Mail me if you need anymore help hon.
xx
Don’t undo 4 years of hard work. You will get addicted to it rather easily.
Plus remember cutting solves your problems till it stops hurting then you get back into reality and things hurt more and then you do it more and more and more till you are trying to stop the pain so much you hurt the others around you.
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aww sweetie. why don’t you have today as a "me day" you do today exactly what you want. go into town, have a nice look around, try clothes on treat yourself to lunch etc. You will feel happier doing this it will take your mind off it. Ive suffered Depression and i did a bit of self harming but i found other ways to deal with things, see friends, curl up on the sofa with hot chocolate and watch a nice dvd. if you get yourself into a habit when you do feel sad to be pro-active instead of having these thoughts run through your head you will feel so much better. Its a tough game battling depression but do you want it to beat you? i think you can be stronger than the emotion depression and you can easily take your mind off it. go for long walks, as i said retail therapy. It all really works. good luck hun, if you need someone to talk to, talk to me. email me xx
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I’m sorry you feel that way. you have noone to talk to? your husband will not feel inconvenienced by this. he loves you. I’ve known a lot of girls who cut so i sort of understand…
but talk to him. if all else fails talk to me. i hate to see people so down.,
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you already know the answer dont you ? talk to someone ..
if all else fails you can email me, i dunno if i can help but i will listen at least
dave
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I used to be a self harmer with razors, like you, just recently i went thru bad patch and found myself wanting to do it again. I found writing down how i felt or music helpful. When i want to blow my lid and hurt myself through frustration i put on some very angry music. Sat in a room, cried, screamed, released it anyway i could. I found that it got me so angry that through these emotions i was able to have a release without harming myself. It sounds mad, but i think it just hurry’s up a dark situation.
I’m sure that you have other ways in which you can express and cope as you’ve managed for years and i doubt that you found these times all plain sailing. I’m here, if you just need a rant or whatever.
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I know how you feel, I have the scars to proove it.
But cutting yourself won’t make things better.
In the long run they make things worse.
I know all about depression and I’ve been through it many times.
I used to cut myself, and I’ve thought of sucide.
My friend helped me, and told me to look to God.
And I did.
Do what you can, then give the rest to God and let him deal with it.
You can only do so much.
Have Faith in God that things will get better, because they do.
Also do something for yourself, maybe get your nails done, buy a cute new outfit. Do something that revolves only on you.
Not on other people.
You can’t please everyone, and when you try and please everyone you only make yourself misrable.
So next time do what you want instead of what everyone else wants.
You deserve it.
And maybe talk to a therapist?
I used to not want to talk to anyone, I thought no one would understand me, and they wouldn’t understand the pain I felt inside.
And since you don’t want to really hurt anyone else, go to a therapist.
Someone who hasn’t caused you any pain, a complete outsider.
Someone who cares, and who wants to help you get better.
In the long run all the pain you go through now, makes you who you are in the future. Stronger.
I hope everything turns out ok, something tells me it will.
(:
email me if you want to talk, im a good listener.
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You have to stop being so concerned about others and concentrate on making your husband and yourself happy; after all, you married him not his family, didn’t you?
You also have to tell your husband about the stress you’re feeling from his family. He married you because he wants to share everything with you, good and bad. Ask him to have a word with his family, asking them to back off and give you some space. Agree some ground rules with your husband; family can’t just drop in unannounced, a set amount of ‘couple time’ when you will definitely be left alone together, etc. If they won’t comply then the two of you could consider moving away to put some distance between you.
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My bf’s family are also difficult; no respect. But at least they live a long way away, as do mine!
Self harming is different for different people. I have known people who said it was a way of making the pain visible, and that made the most sense to me. It was certainly my reason many years ago when I went through self harming. I didn’t end up with scars, and strangely enough I was a bit mad about that. For me, that was because I wouldn’t talk about my emotional pain, so my mind sort of came up with a more primal way of expressing: self-harm.
Sometimes it really IS someone else’s problem. It is not always your problem. Sometimes other people demand too much of us because we don’t tell them it’s too much; sometimes because they are just too demanding.
One thing you can do is seek out a new friend or two. Look in places where you like to go for those friends and begin the journey of observation, light conversation, questions, and sharing. Everyone needs support at some level and beyond just their partner.
I understand why you don’t want to burden your husband. It is his family and might also become a problem between the two of you, and that is most likely not what you want. But you do need to talk to someone. If there simply is no one you can find, try the following:
1) Online support group (many at Yahoo, Delphi, Google Groups and other major sites)
2) Contact a religious leader you would be comfortable talking to (priest/pastor/rabbi) if that is your belief system. These are people who must keep your confidentiality by oath.
3) Contact a counselor, psychologist or MFCC professional. These are people who are bound by law to keep your confidentiality.
IMPORTANT: In #’s 2 and 3 know that these people are also bound by law to report any concerns they have that you may hurt yourself or someone else (physical hurt). Since you didn’t act on the urge yet, you’re okay, but talking about the urge is something you would only want to do once you know whether or not the type of self harm you’ve done in the past is something they would feel compelled to report. (This can land you in a psych ward for 3 days to 2 weeks against your will.) Find out what their particular understanding of when they must report is before sharing that information.
However, most of what you shared is loneliness, depression and having difficulty dealing with demands from your in-laws. All of those things can be addressed well by professionals without needing to make any reports.
Hoping this was helpful, and please know you aren’t alone. There are others who have gone through this. Good for you for not acting on the urge. (I chose to paint wounds that I could wash off and it was a good in-between for me until the need to self harm finally stopped.)
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I am really sorry that you have been feeling alone in this matter. Please don’t resort to harming yourself again. I had a close family member who had the same problem. There are other healthy ways to deal with stress. I looked up cutting on the internet and some alternatives to cutting were given, a couple that stood out were; wearing a rubberband on your wrist and snapping it when you get the urge to cut. The other was putting some ice cubes in a plastic bag and hold them as tolerated. The other issue that is very important is for you to stop putting yourself last. I understand that you do not want to put your husband in the middle, but if it is getting bad enough for you to want to start cutting again, then i think that he needs to be involved with the way his family is making you feel. Make sure that you put yourself as a priority in your life. Good luck and best wishes!
References :
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm
oh my love…..
u know everytime u feel down talk 2 me, u can have my number if u want xxx
please dont fall into the trap of self harming. u were strong enough to beat it once and will be again, u will have a baby soon i promise and ur little bump is going to need a mommy who can care for it and be strong.
please talk 2 ur hubby, he loves u and will want 2 help u xxxx
sweetie, im here 4 u xxxxx
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Well done for holding off from cutting yourself, that shows me that you are stronger than you think you are so hold onto that when/if the urge to cut yourself comes on strong again.
My daughter who is now 18 has got scars all over her body, arms and legs through self harming but she has not done it now for just over 2 years.
The ‘feel good’ feeling is short-lived as you probably already know and then you cut yourself because you feel guilty about cutting yourself and it becomes a very vicious cycle.
You do need to speak to your husband about how you are feeling – it may be his family that are causing you to feel this way but you are his wife and should be more important to him.
Get an appointment with your doctor who can then refer you to a counsellor or similar who can help you sort out all your inner feelings with regard to self harming.
You CAN overcome this because you managed to before but you just need someone who will listen to you. When we feel depressed and lonely everything tumbles and jumbles in together and can seem worse than it is. Try to keep strong like you have done already. Your husband supported you before and he will again but you do need to see a counsellor who is trained in helping people who self harm.
Keep strong and again, well done for overcoming the urge thus far.
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I know how much self harming makes you feel better. I cut when i was 13 and then i stopped as i got help and that through school; when i turned 16, i went through a bad relationship with a 19 year old who controlled me, upset me and abused me and i turned back to cutting cos i felt worthless and it was the only thing that made me feel good at the time. Last year, i cut again; i had 15 scars on my arm/wrist and even though i could see them, i still cut again! only one and it made me feel better but then i realised what i’d done. You don’t think about it do you? You just do it and then think ‘why did i do that?!’ cos the only person you’re hurting is yourself just cos someone else has upset you! You don’t deserve to put yourself through pain! Now i have a baby and i’ve not even thought about it anymore! He comes first and him alone makes me the happiest girl alive. Ignore the people who are saying don’t bring a baby into your life when you’re like this! If you want a baby (even though you’re having problems) then you keep trying! Things will get better and i know how hard it is! But you will sort things out and i can promise that cos i’ve been so close to suicide so many times! Have been through so many abusive relationships! I have lost 3 close friends in less than a year. I have lost connection with a lot of my family but i still pulled through. You’ll be okay; chin up, keep smiling and think of the future. If you have this baby, you’ll be so happy that you stopped all this cutting stuff; you shouldn’t hurt yourself cos you’ll let people know they’re getting to you and they will just feel proud! Not sad about it. It make my ex happy how much he was hurting me! Seriously, move on and be happy
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View the suggestions on what to do about self harming, in section 16, at http://www.ezy-build.net.nz/~shaneris and contact them, when you feel the need to self harm/cut. Use one of the alternatives shown, such as snapping a rubber band against your wrist, or holding an ice cube. There is much information, and useful weblinks in the website: far too much to fit in the allowable space here. Seek therapy, to help you address the actual cause of those problems, rather than using an inappropriate method of treating the symptoms, which others have found, doesn’t work, in the longer term, and that leaves behind the extra problem of scarring to deal with, then. There is also a selection of treatments for scarring shown. So, are you aware of why you self harm?
The general reasons given are: depression (see section 2, at ezy build; page R first, then page V, young women’s depression; eventually the rest); anger (see section 4; page C first), attention seeking, or boredom (suggestions for both are in section 16). Stress is addressed in section 42, at ezy build; view the COMPREHENSIVE POST on page i, first, then the rest of that section. Consider taking up amateur abstract, impressionist, or surrealist art, clay modelling, designing and/or making fashion, or jewellery. Journalling those thoughts, and feelings, poetry, or story writing are some more options. No-one has to see them, but you may well surprise yourself at how good you become, with experience. Even if not, and you are totally dissatisfied with every single effort, it will still have served its purpose. Use that emotional energy, and allow it expression, through an activity other than self harm.
I know little about PCOS, but I used to get colds and ‘flu every winter, but since adopting the recommendations at* http://www.mercola.com I have not had one for the last 3 years (no vaccines, either!). I also used to get a lot of sebaceous cysts, but have only had one small one, which healed quickly. This I attribute not only to my enhanced immune system, but also to the antiviral, antibacterial, and anti fungal additives to my diet, which now makes my body a very poor environment for such organisms to multiply in. Dr mercola recommends that everyone consume garlic, crushed between 2 spoons, to release the active constituents: I eat 2 cloves, daily.
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Odorless garlic is an option, although not the one I choose. He also recommends to alternate ginger and cinnamon, cloves and nutmeg, on a daily basis, to prevent the possibility of developing an allergy, but I have found that I can consume 2 level teaspoons of the following mix on a daily basis, with no problems: 1 part nutmeg; 2 parts cloves; 2 parts cinnamon; 20 parts ginger. I add one level teaspoon to a cup of green tea. I also include a small pinch of thyme, and a level teaspoonful of turmeric with my main meal. In addition, he advises people to get adequate daily exposure to sunlight, and to eat in accordance with their "nutritional type" as determined by using the searchbar on that, as well as "sunlight exposure" at his website, which is now the most popular alternative health website in the world. Also check out: http://www.all-natural.com/silver-1.html & http://www.naturalnews.com/* Consider signing up (free) for their* regular Ezines, and enter PCOS & "colloidal silver" in their searchbars.
First of all, I think that you should start talking to someone-whether it be a psychiatrist, therapist, counselor, etc. These are major issues that you just simply cannot work out on your own while you have so many people around you who are putting you down-either consciously or subconsciously. You should definitely get things under control again before you conceive. So many stresses can negatively affect you and your baby and may increase your risk of complications or miscarriages.
Secondly, I think that you should start taking AT LEAST one day a month and have a "ME" day. Just go out and do things that you enjoy. It could be anything from walking/shopping at the mall, taking a walk in the park, to just staying at home pampering yourself. Paying a little more attention to yourself can help tremendously. You can’t please everyone all the time, so why not take some time out trying to please/pamper yourself?
Thirdly, you should stand up right now and give your self a hand. You deserve it for being able to stop self-injuring the first time. Many people, like myself, struggle with it no matter what we do and we are not so successful. If you quit the first time, you can quit this second time, and when the next urge comes, you can beat that too! Even though your husband doesn’t know exactly what to do to help you, he’s still part of your "personal support group." Having a support group really helps a lot of people because then you KNOW that you are NOT alone in your struggles. If you have no one else to confide in, or don’t feel comfortable enough to confide in others, try joining an online support group. These groups are there for you 24/7 and know exactly what you are going through. The other nice thing is, it’s anonymous if you want it to be and you don’t have to worry about judgment.
While you are deciding how to form your support group, try finding an alternative to self-harm. You can try anything from snapping a rubber band, to shoving your hand in a bag of ice, hugging a tree, drawing a red line with a marker where you want to harm yourself, etc. You have to find the right one that works for you. Personally, I put the self-harm off for 10 minutes, and if I still feel like going through with it after 10 minutes, I put it off for another 10 minutes, and so on and so forth until I no longer wish to cause myself harm.
As far as your scars go…they may seem ugly or unsettling to you now, but each one tells its own story. If you’re like me, you can’t remember what each scar is for, but the ones that occurred when you’ve felt the worst or the strongest emotions while self-harming are still fresh in your memory. One day, when you have learned more efficient ways of channeling your emotions, I hope that you are able to look at your scars and remember those times to learn from them…to never let yourself become that low again…Those scars are a part of you, just like mine are a part of me. I am now at a point in my life where I am no longer ashamed of my scars. I choose to show them and talk about them. I want others to know about self-harm so that there is no longer this hushed stigma about it. I hope that you reach this point in the future.
Please take my advice and talk to somebody…and please take some more time out of your schedule for yourself. You can’t please everyone and you shouldn’t try. It’s just so tiring and you can’t keep it up for long periods of time. I hope that you have found at least some of this information helpful.
Take gentle care…
References :
Recovering drug and alcohol addict, self-injurer for 8 years-currently in remission (3 months)
oo hunni..
Please dont do it!! your worth more than that! Dont leave yourself with the horrible scars again..its not worth it!
Your were strong before and beat the self harming. Now ..be strong and do it again! Speak to your husband…im sure he will help you out, he wont want to see you upset and depressed. He will help you overcome it. Im sure of it!
I understand your frustration..with TTC. Im sure you will make a lovely mummy, but hun it will happen! Miracles happen! You just need to be soo patient!
Be strong..do it for your family and soon to be bump!
Go and take your anger out on something else…go to the gym, run, or go buy yourself a punch bag!
I wish you the best of luck… and so much baby dust. I will keep my fingers crossed for you hunni xxx
References :
go to recoveryourlife.com
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I dont know or understand any reason why someone would want to hurt them self and scar them self but i do no what the in laws are like and they can be really mean and annoying BUT on the other hand i dont see why you should take it all and put up with it i think you should tell your partner he needs to know what your going through and how you feel about this trust me if he loves you then he’ll understand that you need them to back off a little you dont have to be mean about it and put him in a position that he will have to be mean to his mother but you need some support and you need it befor you turn to what you used to do so get the help from him now before its too late is a good thing that you have stoped but think about it do you really want to go down that path again…??? is it worth not talking to you HUSBAND about so you dont make the same mistake twice besides
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if you really want to have a baby your going to need to grow up and get a hold of life and not go into the bathroom everytime things get tough and cut your self this is no good environment for a baby and it should never ever see you do this… get the help you need and sine you have though about doing it again (cutting your self) you should wait a few maybe 2 years before you have a child just to make sure your not going to go down this track when your half way through your pregnancy or even still when times get to tough with raising your child… think about it and its time to take responsibility and grow up. NO really you do need to grow up if you want to have a baby .. good luck and i hope you talk to your partner so you can get back on track
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31 weeks pregnant with my baby girl